I made a batch of bread for a few friends in the orchestra on the morning before the last show. Here's the recipe if you're interested (and a running commentary based on actual events). It is a bit longish so grab a cup of coffee or tea and settle in.
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Banana Nut Bread
(Makes eight loaves)
-2 2/3 cups butter
-8 cups sugar
-16 Tbs. sour milk (Finally! A use for that carton in the back of the fridge. Hmmm... At least I think that was milk at one time...)
-16 eggs (Bawk-Bawk-ba-KAWK!)
-8 cups past-ripe bananas (No you're not crazy. That is a lotta bananas. About 25 or so. Start stashing them away now for Christmas baking.)
-16 cups flour (Holy crap is right. Open another bag.)
-4 tsp salt
-8 tsp baking powder
-8 tsp baking soda (Cool! Equal amount of soda and powder. That's one less mistake waiting to happen.)
-8 cups walnuts. (Yes you will save money if you buy them still in the shell... unless you include the carpal tunnel syndrome physical therapy tab.)
Preheat oven to 350˚. This will be too hot but you don't know it yet.
First, substitute shortening for the butter. Let's face it. Butter has lots of everyday uses... and 2 2/3 cups is a lot, it'll completely deplete your supply... and you always forget to pick it up at the grocery store... you'll be eating dry toast every morning for weeks. Shortening, by comparison, comes in a huge vat that sits stoically in the back of the pantry cupboard for years. What's that? What about trans fats. Yup. Shortening is loaded with 'em, but why do you care? I mean c'mon. You're gonna give this bread away not eat all eight loaves yourself, right. Okay, so back to the recipe.
Cream the shortening together with the sugar in a large kettle. (It won't be big enough but you don't know that yet, either.) Yes I know. That's a lot of sugar... Well you've gotta have some more somewhere. Sure, use some brown sugar, that's fine. More?! I don't know, maybe molasses? Honey... corn syrup... maple syrup... sorghum... Do you got eight cups of sweet stuff yet? Okay, good. Now mix it all together.
Separate the 16 eggs into the group of ten or so which exist and another group of about a half dozen which do not, because c'mon, who has 16 freakin' eggs sittin' around. Mix in the well-beaten existent eggs, however many there are. That'll have to do.
Next combine the dry ingredients in another very large bowl or pot. That's 16 cups of flour, or until you lose count, in which case stop when it "feels right." What do you mean you can't find a large enough bowl? I know, that is a lot of flour. Well, what about your sugar container? That's empty now, right?... It isn't big enough either? Well, then use that for half the dry ingredients and we'll do it twice. Okay so we're dividing the above amounts by two and doing this step twice... Got it?
So combine half the dry ingredients in the empty sugar container and... Your salt is what? A solid block? Well, yes it was a humid summer but... You haven't used salt since the summer?! I don't know, try pounding the container on the floor. You only need 4 teaspoons. Okay, have you pounded enough salt loose yet? Good. Now slowly mix in the dry ingredients to the creamed shortening and sugar mixture. Add the sour milk intermittently. Keep mixing... Keep adding... Keep mixing...
About now you should realize your mixing kettle ain't gonna be big enough. I see you eyeing that Rubbermaid trash can. Don't even think about it. You'll have to create some sort of overflow system. Get creative. Gravity is your friend. Keep mixing.
All done? Good. Now the bananas. Peel and mash until you've got a nice banana pulp. Add them slowly to the lot and... you guessed it... keep mixing. Mix, mix, mix. Make sure the overflow is periodically added back to the main volume so it gets mixed with some banana pulp too. Mix, mix, mi... Do you smell something? No, it's more like electrical smo...YOUR MIXER! YOUR MIXER IS SMOKING!! Shit! Oh don't drop it into the batter! It's still beating! Quick shut it off before it sinks!! Pull the plug!! PULL THE PLUG!! Holy crap! That was close... Well why didn't you tell me when your hand started getting hot?!
Okay you've gotta get moving. The concert is in a few hours, you've got an hour drive to the hall and this stuff takes a while to bake and cool. Um... put the mixer in the freezer to cool it off quicker and then power through the rest of the banana pulp. Repeat this every time you start to smell smoke.
Done mixing? Good. Yes, it would've gone faster if the mixer wouldn't have kept randomly ejecting the beaters into the batter but what are ya gonna do? It's a cheap piece-a-junk. Now then, let's get those loaf pans greased... Yes all eight... That's right, you grease them with shortening... You used it all in the first step?! Well how did you expect to keep the bread from sticking to the pans? Okay, okay... hurry find something slick to substitute... No body lotion is not edible... I don't care if it does have cucumber extracts. All right, break out the butter.
Now, pour the batter evenly into the greased pans and put four on the top rack and four on the bottom rack because you don't have time to bake two separate batches. Yes, I think the oven is plenty hot. It's been preheating for over an hour-and-a-half. Okay now set the timer for twenty minutes. You'll have to switch the top loaves with the bottom loaves and the back loaves with the front loaves to ensure they all get baked evenly. Got it? Good. Now go take a quick shower to get ready for the concert. Oh and uh... do yourself a favor and test the smoke alarm battery on your way upstairs.
...Cue Music: Jeopardy Theme...
...Cue Sound Effect: Record Player Needle Rip...
Shit! Get out of the shower! We forgot about the walnuts! Hurry up! They shouldn't have baked too far along yet! You may still be able to mix them into each loaf separately!
Why is there only one bag of walnuts? Where's the rest of the walnuts?... You only bought one bag?! One bag is no where near 8 cups! This is gonna be banana bread with essence of walnut! Okay, okay, never mind get chopping. And do yourself a favor; don't mention to anyone you were baking in a bath towel. I'm just saying, it's not very appetizing.
Alright mix in those nuts. Make sure they sink into the batter somewhat. I don't know, maybe poke them down with a chopstick or something, but hurry up. Now put everything back in the oven and go finish getting dressed. Remember to listen for the timer. Oh, and uh... recheck the smoke alarm battery on the back way upstairs. In fact, better just put in a new battery altogether.
Beep, beep, beep! Go rotate those loaves. And don't lose track: top to bottom, front to back. Okay, now here is when you realize the oven is too hot. They seem to be brown around the edges already while the center is still just batter. It's not looking good. I guess go down to 300˚ and hope for the best. Reset the timer for twenty minutes and repeat these steps until loaves seem done. While waiting for the beeping go warm up for the concert.
When a knife inserted into the center of a loaf comes out clean they're done. Then put them on a cooling rack until they are at room temperature, about 45 minutes, and wrap them up in tinfoil. What's that? The concert starts in an hour and half? And you've got that hour drive to the hall. Right then. Well the freezer worked for the over heated mixer. Let's use it to cool the loaves. Take everything out of the freezer and fill it up with the loaves. Do Not Forget To Return The Contents Of The Freezer To The Freezer Before You Leave! Now, go finish getting ready.
...
Finally. Wrap up the loaves. I know, they're probably still a little warm, but... They're still hot, you say? Well you gotta leave, so wrap them up in tinfoil anyway... Burned hands? You're such a wuss... Yes I remember the mixer. Fine. Then... I don't know, use oven mitts. Just get wrapping! Wrap! Wrap! Wrap!...
I guess in retrospect, oven mitts were not the best protective hand apparel, because that wrap job looks like crap. Never mind. Throw them in a bag, grab your horn and get going!... No, I have no idea how the bread will taste. I guess you should have tried a piece before you wrapped them all up. But, I mean really, anything with that much fat and sugar has to be at least edible, right? Now get going! And remember that speed trap near Maquoketa!
1 comment:
my sides hurt from laughing. this is something that I would do.
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