Reader Warning: BAP (Boring-Ass Post)
Dear Homo sapiens sapiens,We started our season in Des Moines last night with JB. Sadly the house was far from packed (2700+ seats) but we wise musicians speculated that the somewhat sparse audience had less to do with the week-night show, potential TV competition or any lack of draw from our sexy soloist than it had to do with the $85 ticket price. You pay $85 to hear Madonna for two hours in the Metrodome, not the Bruck Violin Concerto plus a couple of encores in the Des Moines Civic Center.
Aside from the numerous empty seats the show was arguably the best we've played in a while (well, since I've been a member any way). Lots of good comments about the horns in Don Juan and Tchaikovsky's Capriccio Italien was good, clean, vivacious fun. Bell was marvelous and easily won over those who grumbled about his pedestrian choice of rep. The guy can play.
On the topic of grumbling, our double service yesterday induced the usual gratis “catered” bag-dinner which included a heretofore unavailable vegetarian option. Usually I swap my ham or turkey for an extra brownie or bag of chips. Yesterday the new vegetarian bag was the best choice in my opinion. A delightful papillae potpourri of lettuce, carrots, cucumbers, avocado, onions and sprouts with a dash of vinegar and oil on soft earthy marble rye and a knee-buckling brownie so rich its dark chocolatey-ness osmosizes straight through your mouth's mucous membrane entering the blood stream directly for a short trip to the brain's pleasure center.
My only meal complaint concerns the little sealed plastic bag of apple slices. An apple is one of the most perfect foods on the planet. It comes with it's own water proof, disease resistant wrapper which is edible. You can throw it in a backpack as is, leave it for days at just about any temperature and then eat nearly the entire thing (and plant the rest if your so inclined). Are there really able bodied people older than the age of 4 who need someone to separate the seeds and stem from the rest of an apple, then slice it up perfectly evenly and place it in a hermetically sealed package? Aren't we the same species which attained top-predator status using stone tool technology? Give us a credit card sized chunk obsidian and we used to be able to skin a still-breathing mastodon. Yet now we must have defenseless fruit prepared for our unencumbered consumption. Well that's not entirely true because that little bag was a real bitch to open. Still, it's enough to make one ashamed to be a homo. Next time, lunch dude, just drop a damn apple in the damn bag! (But make sure it's not a damn Red Delicious cuz they suck royally.)
Yours,
Monkey Man
p.s. Possible rejected pilot: The Neolithic Vegetarian.
GORK: Why Urk no eat mammoth meat?
URK: Urk no think mammoth need to suffer just so Urk can enjoy good burger.
GORK: But Urk's brain stay small then.
URK: No. Urk's brain swells because of too much soy in diet, studies show.
...
2 comments:
That was not BAP at all. The apple bit was totally hilarious- I read it out loud to both of my roommates. :)
Ah, the under utilized art of lowered expectations... Thanks for the note. May your date book over floweth with non-shitty gigs, your pocket book bulge with mucho dinero, and your address book fill up with the numbers of tall, dark, handsome fellas who return your calls!
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